“And all of a sudden, I felt my heart racing inside my chest…..”
Today I wanted to write about my fiancé Japhet, and how it must be so hard to love someone with Lyme it any other chronic illness. My fiancé and I will be together 10 years in February, a month or so shy of our wedding day. When I met Japhet, I was 17, healthier then I had ever been and full of life. Two year later when we started dating, I still had no signs of anything wrong with me. It wasn’t after I turned about 24 years old, that we both realized we gained a few pounds being too comfortable in the relationship, like any couple does, that we decided to start working out together. Let me tell you something, we were good at it. We started with the “Couch to 5k” app and we loved it. We would run in this crazy heat of Florida like it was no big deal. Sometimes I was behind him, other times I had more energy and he would be catching up to me. One summer, we had yearly passes to Wet n Wild (RIP, lol) and we went to go meet up with some friends. We climbed the stairs to one of the water slides I had been wanting to try and we got all the way to the top and for a moment, things stood still. All of a sudden, I felt my heart racing inside my chest, the blood from my face seemed to just be melting into the lower part of me and I was trying to remain calm because I didn’t want to worry Japhet. Our relationships as still young and I was doing everything to impress him, I couldn’t let him see me like that. My back was towards him and he tapped me on the shoulder and said this when he noticed I was holding on to my chest “hey, we aren’t running a race here, why you checking your heart rate…” and then I turned around to face him and his face changed. Apparently my face was white as a ghost and I had enough time to say “I think I’m going to pass…” and that was that. The first time I passed out. (Well, second if you count the time when I was 16 in the shower, just gotten my period and passed out and hit my head. But they blamed that on the fact that I have Von Williebrands disease and probably lost a lot of blood that day. Then again, the doctors told me I didn’t have Lyme disease too so who knows if they were right back then either.)
“……there he was, holding me up…..”
Anyways, there he was, holding me up, yelling for a lifeguard because we were at the very top of a water slide and his girlfriend who doesn’t drink, ate before she got to the park and didn’t tell him I pass out like that (because I didn’t know) and he had no idea why. According to him, I came too very fast. To me, it took forever. I had a dream and everything during the time I past out to the time the lifeguard was trying to wake me up. I didn’t know where I was but I just knew I was with him and I couldn’t see him because the lifeguard was in front of me. Once I saw him, I knew things would be ok. Since that day, my life, our relationship and my health have never been the same. That started all the doctors appointments, the countless test, the back and forth all leading to right here right now, a diagnosis of Lyme disease.
“….my fiancé is a champ.”
Last night, I had one if the most scary and painful nights in my life. Was it Herx? Was it just cramps from my period? Was it both? Who knows, but all I know, my fiancé is a champ. I tried to keep myself together, but after two hours of trying to breathe through the pain, take a shower, change positions, take meds, I got up to go back to the bathroom again and it all hit me at once. I really truly felt like I was going to die. At least, the feeling that my body was going through felt so uncomfortable and I just wanted it to stop that I though back to what the doctor has said “You are going to feel like you are dying” and I just wanted it to end. My fiancé came to my rescue, got my off the bathroom floor, put me in bed, grabbed my meds and made sure I was the most comfortable person in the world, while I was in some of the worst pain I have ever felt. He didn’t panic, he did t hesitate, he didn’t think of no one but my in that moment and it made me think, how blessed I am to have someone that despite how hard it is to deal with my medical, he acts like it’s no big deal and gets it done.
Even if you are my closest friends, you haven’t seen me in my worse. Very few people have seen me at my worse. Japhet being the one person in the world that has seen it all. There has been many time he’s had had to come to my rescue and he never complains, never panics and never makes me feel like this is a burden to him. He has seen my body go through so crazy stuff and it doesn’t phase him. He’s has never said this is hard, this is too much or has even acted like my health is an issue in our relationship. He just takes things day by day, and as my as I am a planner and have to plan out every aspect of everything, I love that he lives in the moment and lives day by day, it grounds me.
People, understand that for the past 5 years, I have been sick. I may not look sick, I may not have flare ups everyday, but u have been dealing with what we know now is Lyme for 5 years. It has affected a lot of aspects of our lives. There has been times we have to leave places we planned on going because I have a flare up and Japhet never complains. He is so attentive and always makes sure that I am ok no matter what we are doing. And that has to be so hard, but he makes it look so easy. It so effortless to him to just be here for me, even when I am screaming in pain. He’s calm, cool and collected. I guess that means when I give birth, I’ll have the best cheerleader a woman can ever ask for.
Thank you Japhet, for loving me as broken as I am. Thanks for making this look easy, when I know it must not always be. Thanks for never complaining and never making it seem that you don’t believe that how I am feeling is real. Thanks for knowing my meds and listening to me when I am concerned about something that is going on. Thanks for the tough love and reminding me to not “be in my head” about my condition. Thanks for reminding me to “not focus on what hurts or what is wrong” so I can move past it and keep going. I know that it’s because of you, Eva and Echo (along with my family) that I am doing as good as I am. Because you guys believe in me, you cheer me on and you trust God that I will get better and be better then what I am today. I may have Lyme, but Lyme doesn’t have me.
This is day 8-10.
God bless you all