Did I get mad at God the day I got diagnosed with Lyme disease?

“God doesn’t mind if you are mad at Him, because that means your acknowledging Him”

Have you ever gotten mad at your parents for something that you went through because you felt like it was their fault and they were suppose to protect you? Like maybe when you were a kid and they held you down to get shots and your parents let them, did you get mad at them? Or maybe you weren’t allowed to go to a party when you were in high school and you ended up being the only one that was involved in conversations about that night for the rest of the year? Chances are, you have. I know I have. I have blamed my two moms for stuff that they didn’t even know I was pissed at them about. But here’s the cool thing, they still love me anyways. The same goes for God. God doesn’t mind if you are mad at Him, because that means you are acknowledging Him”.

Depending on what type of relationship you have with God, but scary guy in the sky that can shoot you down with one word, an imaginary person that people pray to, etc. There are so many ways that people interrupt God, but only one that makes Him real to me. I see God as my father. I didn’t have an earthly dad growing up, God blessed me with two moms instead. When I was a child, I was scared of God. I though that He would watch any move I made and punish me for doing anything wrong. It wasn’t until I started to see God as a father that things changed. I learned that He loved me and cared for me and just as a earthly father, He would allow things to happen to me so I could learn the lesson I needed to be taught.

…..”I’m a sinner…..”

Let’s face it folks, in a sinner. I live in sin everyday. I curse, I have bad thoughts, I live with my fiancé way before we even were fiancés, I’m a sinner. I don’t deserve the life I have, and I don’t mean the Lyme. I don’t deserve the beautiful life I have. I just don’t. None of us do. But we have life. Good lives. Even in the darkest moment we have life. But like I said, I am a sinner. So, did I get mad at God when I got diagnosed with Lyme disease?

Yes and no? Let me explain…..

I have been sick for 5 years. Not constantly laying in my bed wishing the pain would stop sick, but chronically having flare ups, missing out on things, sleeping and wasting life away and lots of painful days and nights. So, when I wasn’t strong in my faith, yes I did get mad at God. I would shake my fist at Him and tell Him that I didn’t deserve this life and that I was too young to have to be going through this. There were nights I would just ask God to take me out right here, right now. He obviously had other plans, but that was how bad things got for me at times. I would ask Him, “why keep me here if I am going to suffer” and His answers weren’t only clear, until now.

I don’t know all the plans that God has for me, but He does. I know I am suppose to help people through my journey. I know that I am suppose to spread awareness and help others not have to live the way I did and so many other do everyday. Yes, my mind got weak when I got diagnosed and all I could think about was my wedding and how could You Lord knowing that we were getting ready and I was so excited and my dress fit perfect and things were finally going perfect….. blah blah blah blah blah. What my wedding planner reminded me when I was at a weak moment was that I was right, God already knew this was going to happen, so He made sure I was taken care of before.

“Today was a struggle, but I still worshipped the Lord”

Today was a struggle, but I still worshipped the Lord. I don’t know if I am in Herx or not. I’m very lightheaded, my stomach hurts, the nausea and loss of appetite comes and goes, I had the chills all day and my arms were definitely feeling tight and numb all day. I cried a few times today, but mostly when I was worshipping the Lord in the car. Yesterday emotionally I was broken, but I still turned to God, because He is the only person in the world that truly knows what I am going through. This isn’t easy, it isn’t fun and I would choose for anyone to go through this. But I am not mad at God for it. I’m honored that He would let me walk through this storm with Him so He can use me to change the world.

These are days 6 and 7

God bless you all

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